| You must purchase your kazoo immediately or the prices below are subject to change without notice. |
| One Kazoo To Be Played More Than Three Weeks From Today |
$1.00 |
| One Kazoo To Be Played Between 7 Days and 2 Weeks From Today |
$2.00 |
| One Kazoo To Be Played This Week |
$3.00 |
| One Kazoo To Be Played Today |
$9.00 |
| One Kazoo To Be Played Today, if you can prove that someone in your immediate family has just died. |
$3.75 |
| One Kazoo To Be Played On Any Weekday But Not Over The Weekend |
$6.00 |
| One Kazoo To Be Played Between Friday Night and Sunday Night |
$3.00 |
| One Kazoo To Be Played Anytime, And If You Don't Play It, We Give Your Money Back |
$11.00 |
| One Kazoo To Be Played In The Caribbean Islands During January, February, or March |
$10.00 |
| One Kazoo To Be Played In The Caribbean Islands During September or October |
.25 |
| One Kazoo To Be Played In A Small Town Where Kazoo Playing Is Not Very Popular |
$7.50 |
| One Kazoo To Be Played In New York Or Los Angeles |
$3.25 |
| One Kazoo To Be Played In A Town Where We're The Only People Selling Kazoos |
$25.00 |
| A company called "SouthWest Kazoos" sells kazoos in some towns. If you want to purchase a kazoo in one of those towns, then the price of our kazoos is whatever the price of their kazoos is. |
| One Kazoo To Be Played According To Our Newspaper Ads |
.50 |
| Only a limited number of kazoos may or may not be available at this price. Once they are all gone, then kazoos cost whatever we decide to charge for them. Nobody knows how many kazoos are available at this price. |
| You may have an "kazoo agent" purchase your kazoos for you and you may or may not get a better deal. Although in the past we have paid commissions to "kazoo agents", we probably won't do that anymore. |
| If you are a frequent kazoo player, we may let you upgrade to a "first class" kazoo for this small fee. |
.20 |
| If you are not a frequent kazoo player, and you want a "first class" kazoo, you may buy it for this price. |
$15.00 |
| If you are a frequent kazoo player, we will give you "frequent player notes", which you may exchange for free kazoos, except on certain days and when free kazoos are not available. |
| If, after promising to play your kazoo, you decide you don't want to play your kazoo, you have to pay for your kazoo anyway. |
| If you don't play your kazoo on the day you promised, you can choose another day to play your kazoo for an additional fee. |
.75 |
| If you want to bring anything with you while you play your kazoo, you have to let us x-ray it and maybe look inside at all your stuff, and if you have a laptop computer, we will make you turn it on no matter how a big a hassle it is, even though any competent terrorist could build a bomb into a laptop and still make the screen come on. We won't make you turn on your camcorder, camera, hair dryer, or anything else that would be easy to build a bomb into. |
| On your way to play your kazoo, we will make you walk through a metal detector capable of detecting individual molecules of metallic substances. You will cause the detector to beep, and we will make you take everything out of your pockets and inspect you with wand. While we are doing this, the rest of the security staff will be unloading several kilos of cocaine into their personal vehicles and the kazoo maintenance staff will be goofing off. |
| If our kazoo blows up and kills you, we will blame it on terrorists and have our insurance company give your family $25,000 and make them sign a form promising not to sue us. Though we mostly use really old kazoos, we only do maintenance that the government forces us to do because it's cheaper to just buy insurance, and we don't really care what happens to kazoo players, only how much money our stockholders make. |
| If you'd like to carry anything with you while you play kazoo, it must be no bigger than a lunchbox, or another size determined by whoever happens to be working the gate that day, no matter what mood they are in. |
| If you'd like to carry anything with you while you play your kazoo, and it's bigger than a lunchbox, there will be an "overweight baggage" charge. |
.50 |
| If you'd like to carry something bigger than a lunchbox while you play your kazoo, you must give it to us, and we will not be responsible for what happens to it. You may or may not get it back. |
| We regularly sell more kazoos than we really have, which means that sometimes, you'll show up for the kazoo you paid for, and we won't give it to you. In that case, we'll give you another kazoo later when we decide it's convenient for us, and maybe a free one if we feel like it, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it, because that's the way it is. |
| If you show up for your kazoo at the last minute, we may not give it to you, but you still have to pay for it. |
| Sometimes when you're playing your kazoo, we will give you something to drink. It will be in a flimsy plastic cup containing exactly one cube of ice. We may or may not give you the can. |
| Sometimes when you're playing your kazoo, we will give you a small bag of "peanuts" containing no more than 12 and no less than 11 actual peanuts or peanut by-products. |
| Sometimes when you're playing your kazoo we give you a "meal", but it's not very good food, and you may not want to eat it. If it makes you sick, we will provide you with a small bag that will hold approximately half your vomit. |
| Sometimes when you're playing your kazoo we will show a movie, but you have to pay to hear the sound. The screen will be very small, far away, or directly over your head. |
| Sometimes when you're playing your kazoo, we will tell you that you can use your seat cushion for a flotation device. Even when we are not playing kazoo anywhere near water. |
| If you give us lots of personal information about yourself, we will send you an email each week offering you kazoos to play a very low prices on days and in places that are very unappealing to you. Take it or leave it. |
| If you don't like the price of our kazoos, you can go to priceline.com and tell us how much you want to pay for kazoos, and we'll probably sell kazoos to you for that price. |
